Ooh La La

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 10:15 GMT

Hey Antonio,
Was out running middle of last week I spotted a pretty woman walking down the street so being a man I puffed out my chest and sucked in my stomach and kept running while trying to look good. Got up close and it was Portia! I felt a little bit like a fool for the whole look at my big chest thing but it had been a few months and I forgot about that as we soon slipped into cosy conversation with the sun setting behind the hills. Really it was as beautiful as it sounds. Anyway, I asked her for a drink so we could catch up and we went out saturday night to a bar I know in the valley. She was looking fantastic, so much so that a random guy at the bar said "your a lucky man" like I didnt know that but it was still nice to hear. But you know my heart lies elsewhere so we were out as friends.

It was an enjoyable evening as we get on well, just like we did back in sixth form when I had that huge crush on her, but the night took a strange turn when the Rod Stewart tribute appeared.
He began to serenade the bar wearing his black trousers, black shirt (and a white dinner jacket) and as we were the only young couple in there, he worked his way over.
Portia: "Dont look at him and he will ignore us" sat next to me making very close eye contact
Me: "The place isn't that big... I can hear him getting closer!" I said in panic
Portia: "Oh no!"
I looked up and there he was, standing in his peroxide aging glory, singing Ooh la la. I smile (hesitantly) but that encouraged him and we got a rendition of Maggie May as well.
Thankfully he moved on after the second song.
We did as well. Quickly.
Lorenzo

Nudist Jim

Message from Antonio
Received 05:17 GMT

Ah, le Poissson. Bonjour mon ami,
I won't give the ginger man a kiss, I wouldn't want to build his hopes up and then dash them once I explain that you are the only one for me.
Hardcore gymming. If you keep that up til August you'll be quite the muscleman. I like the sounds of a Nudist Gym, I can picture many an erotic scene. I once knew a man called Nudist Jim, he was a good friend though it was a bit embarrassing when we went shopping or out to the cinema. Once I was driving along with him in the passenger seat and I reached for the gear stick but missed and..., well lets just say it was an unpleasant experience.

News from me: People at work are getting on my tits because all 3 of them are in the same Rugby team and thats all they talk about. So I went to one of Singapore's finests bars to destress after work and I found myself daydreaming about that foxy woman we met in the piano bar who sat on your lap. She was on her stag do and having a good night trying to flirt with you in a very obvious way but you just looked at her like she had walked into KFC and asked if they serve chicken. Either you were in a strop that night or you has Jessica on the mind. You were the envy of a few people in there, myself included, as at the same time I was being chatted up by a female quasimodo. Things went a similar way last night.
Cheerio
Antonio

Run Lola Run

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 22:26 GMT

Hey,
The week has been fun so far. I joined a gym, like all men in crisis, in January and I have been 7 times in 8 days. I feel great and i look great but my hip is a little sore. I think time is catching up with me but there are many reasons to persist with it. The women there are really hot and wear very little clothing. I dont know why they wear so little, they must be freezing when the get off the machines all sweaty. I think it may be a nudist gym. Not sure.
But I have seen more naked men in the changing room than I would want. Why dont they use the cubicles? Now I find it hard to sleep, all I think about is...

Anyway... was on the treadmill last night and a good looking woman caught my eye, she reminded me of Jessica only not as pretty. She was running on one of the machines in front of me. I would look up every so often to catch a glimpse of her (for motivational reasons) until I realised she was moving further and further back in the belt and her back foot was lifting up right on the edge. She had my full attention then as she was doing some speed. I should have thrown my bottle of powerade at her and shouted
"You idiot... pay attention to what you are doing"
as she was fiddling with the tv screen (trying to flip from BBC to MTV I guess). But before I had the chance she moved back a little more and the treadmill sent her flying off the back. I tried my best to contain my laughter and succeeded to an extent. But then I said
"You idiot... you should have paid attention to what you were doing" and threw the bottle at her anyway.
A little harsh but I still think it was the right thing to do.
Lots of love
Fish

When will the bull become a bear?

Message from Antonio
Received 01:47 GMT

Ah young naive fish,
The 14th of February tis the day of lovers my friend. ie. Valentines day. I will go 33% further on that day if I get hooked up with a young Thai filly.
I think you should have your own radio show. You could call it "The School of Fish" and do every episode high on Red Bull. There would be no dead air that's for sure.
Not much to report from this end. I haven't been out much as I've still been saving my dosh for when the Young Ginger Man arrives 1 week today. I wonder if he will have changed much in the 4 months (yes its been that long) I've been away. It will be strange when I'm home in August, you might notice a change in my accent and I might notice a change in your beauty. Then we'll fall into each others arms and rekindle our long lost lover's flame.
'Tis all I care to write for now. Hope you recieve good news about the job. Would you move to that big city or would you commute? I think you should commute, I'd hate to think of you getting an accent from those parts.
Take care young man,
Antonio

Going live in 3...2...1...

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 23.48GMT

Hi,
I was visiting a friend last night who works for a commercial broadcaster and he took me around the studios before his radio show. I was sat in the studio reading my newspaper when my friend was visited by a budding young presenter who was going to shadow him for the evening, a pretty twenty something tall well spoken asian lady with jet back hair and dressed in black from head to toe. She had a lot of pluck and in between telling my friend that he was the master and she felt she could learn a lot from him, she thought that it may advance her career by networking with me.

She was hot and had a great ass so I told her that i was soon to be posted to east asia as researcher to the Reuters correspondent. Elaborate I know but what else what I supposed to do?
Anyway... women in journalistic careers normally have one of two kinds of ass.
1)Soft and shapely that give a nice ripple when you slap* it.
2)Firm and muscular that send your hand bouncing back when you slap*.
I like seeing a bit of a ripple and I thought hers was one that would not disappoint so I kept the facade going for the rest of the night.
Turns out it was more muscular than I thought.
Lorenzo
*Ass slappage is best delivered with the back of the hand and with the consent of the other party. Poor technique will affect results.

Many an awkward silence

Message from Antonio
Received 01:42 GMT

Hey freindly fish,
Good look with the interview and hopefully someone will post bail in time. Make sure you make good eye contact and if there is a pretty woman interviewing pout every so often. She will like it. Especially if you lick your lips a little and give her a little kiss before you leave. Maybe even a little playful slap on the ass. Depends on how confident you feel with ass slapping. Played football on Saturday for the first time since xmas and struggled. It was a 1pm Kick Off too so it was stupidly hot. I had to come off 5 minutes into the second half because I was going dizzy. I put it down to a lack of lucozade sport as I normally go 33% further. I seem to have established myself as a first choice striker which is nice though.

Work is going well, getting a bit more involved as I am designing the customer service and compliance departments which we will eventually need. One of the guys from the office is staying with us for a while as he broke up with his girlfriend. I don't think I've ever met anyone of roughly the same age as me who I've got less in common with. Many an awkward silence when its just us in the office, strange because I generally find it easy to get on with people. Anyway with him at home its work and rugby talk 24/7 which gets a bit much. Hopefully the Ginger Man will liberate me. I shall be in Thailand soon where I'm sure I won't struggle to find somebody to make beautiful music with (and I'm not taking my guitar baby. oh yeah).
That will be all for now young man,
Antonio

Pretty woman

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 09:56 GMT

Hi,
I had a nice week and I hope yours was the same. I did some prep work for the interview in another big city and part of that was to find our where the venue was. Since the interview is tomorrow I went for a little drive today with guidance from a Multimap map, I figure straight there and straight back home to brush up some my interview technique. Following the map I ended up in what appeared to be a residential area but turned onto what looked like the right spot. Ended up in a possible BNP stronghold residential cul-de-sac . Either that or the guys really liked that shaved head look. Shrieking like a girl I did a quick three point turn and doubled back on the main road.

On the main road, doing about 15-20 mph trying to look at the map and the street signs, I saw a young lady, wearing fishnet stockings and a red dress, walking on the footpath so I pulled up
"are you local?" I asked politely
"yes" she answered as leaning onto my car and gazing through the open passenger side window
"looking for company?" she added (an odd questin to ask)
"Err, no thanks, just need some directions" and I pulled out my wallet and tried to take out the address that I had written on a piece of scrap paper. As I looked up I noticed a sign on a lamp post that read
"Police notice. Kerb crawlers will be prosecuted"
At that point the blue lights started flashing behind me and the young lady made a dart for the BNP stonghold leaving me alone to handle the fuzz.
I tried to floor the policeman with some Kung Fu/Bruce Lee/Enter the Dragon moves Miranda had taught me but I am a little rusty.
And he had a truncheon.
The fish (caught and bruised)

The beatings will continue until moral improves

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 08:45 GMT

Hey Antonio,
It has been a quiet weekend, and I spent some time reflecting on the possible change of job. During my reflecting I have come to realise that I am unhappy. I know my head has dropped a little. The confidence in my walk, my conversation and I am sure my eyes has diminished. There was a lot, too much confidence perhaps, but now I am running on empty. I think it has only now that I realised I am human and I need to be loved, just like everyone else does. Feels weird, like when superman gave up his powers and got beat up in that diner and whats worse people have begun to notice, the crimefighting HQ staff have brought it to my attention. Lack of confidence further manifested itself following me fucking up at work. In heated debate with a naughty person, with big voice, I said

"I am no novice and my words are gospel,
you will obey me or my retribution will be swift,
my vengeance is furious,
I am the law"

I was wrong.
Lorenzo

Staying out for the summer

Message from Antonio
Received 02:22 GMT

Mr Fish,
I hope Jimmy Carr abused you for your stupid question. Personally I would prefer a Randy Moose whose intention would be for love making rather than death. I suppose love making with a randy moose might actually equate with death but you never know, it could be enjoyable.
When are you coming over here? You can stay with us guys, the couple i am living with haven't had they're honeymoon yet and I know their planning it for late summer next year. You could maybe come out then, even with Solanio and Juliet perhaps cos there is plenty of room. A thought for you to mull over.
I have a trip home planned for this summer sometime for a couple of weeks to watch the ashes, that will be cool. Hopefully by then you will have forgiven Bassanio for the incident in the club.
I have sent xmas presents for you, Solanio and Juliet back with my parents. You should go round and pick them up whenever you fancy. The presents are not much, I thought I'd get you all something not easily bought back home, hence the ornamental nature of the gifts. But don't thank me too much for them, they really aren't that great. In fact you may find that yours is against your religious beliefs, I've only just thought of that.
Don't worry, its not hardcore drugs.
Antonio

Would you rather?

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 22:16 GMT

Hey Antonio,
I like you little one liners but I rely of getting peoples attention with some flirty eye contact and waiting for them to come up to me and use their lines. Did I mention I was single? I was out with Nerissa a couple of nights ago and some guy thought "I am into property" was a good opening line. An icy stare from me and Nerissa laughing her socks off pretty much saw him on his way.
Anyway... once you have them with your lines I would suggest a game of "would you rather?".
My top three "would you rather?"
(forget the soft ones you use on a date. Sunrise vs. sunset blah blah blah)
1)Be naked or have everyone else around you be naked?
2)Be bored or frightened?
3)I went to see Jimmy Carr on his stand up tour and after the gig the (mysterious) lady I was with had to dash back into the theatre so I was left outside waiting in the cold. Then Jimmy himself came out and as I was bored I thought I would make small talk. We chatted about other comedians I had seen (as I am quite the comedy connoisseur) and the consitency of the trashy TV programs he always presents until he started to bore me and my mind started to wander. I needed a get out or a way to make the conversation a little more interesting . I did not want to be rude as the man had entertained me for a couple of enjoyable hours so i said to him
"Jimmy! Would you rather be confronted by an angry hippo or a randy moose?".

I dont know what I expected but I got a drawn out response regarding how he would prefer the randy moose as hippos (year on year) kill more humans than lions. Still bored but a little frightened I was rescued by my ladyfriend who led me away from the talkative babyfaced comic.
Number 3 is my favourite. Not sure if it would translate well.
Lorenzo

Hey there good lookin'

Message from Antonio
Received 07:42 GMT

Howdi,
The Doves are good but hard to explain. Imagine Oasis, but less guitar-riff driven, and more reliant on sound effects thus giving them an somewhat ethereal quality. Like a modern Pink Floyd almost but with more immediate songs and catchy rhythms. You will have heard some of their songs before and you should dig it more then a necrophiliac in a graveyard.
No girlfriend just yet but potential is probably less likely as I have found beggar all in common with most of the girls I have met over here. But if one should come along I will snap her up like a hungry crocodile leaping out of the water to surprise a migrating bison.
My top three chat up lines
1) "I've got a teletext television and a microwave oven!"
2) "I appreciate this whole seduction thing you've got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I'm a sure thing."
3) (In a Jamaican accent) "You see this?" grabbing at my crotch "I'll kill you with it!"

Last night i got no numbers and three slaps.
It was a wise move to come out here
I bid ye good tidings,
Antonio

***Character Update***

I think it is prudent with the entrance of Miranda, the inspiration for the main characters names, to update the blog with details of some characters who may have or may in the future play a part. These character all work in a similar field to me and their roles may be speaking or non speaking.

Miranda- Very likeable, well read lady who has a sense of humour which is quite endearing and playful. Met her for the first and only time on the october work trip in Bognor Regis and have kept in regular contact by email. Femme fatale who fights crime in a black cat suit.
Exertise: Undercover ops. Martial arts expert. Black belt in more than one disipline.

The Traveller- First person I met when I walked (alone) into a conference room 250 miles from home. The traveller was one of a few people (including Miranda) who had more about them than just talking about work.
Crime fighting legend.
Once topped the Sunday Times "Crime fighters of the year top 100".
Expertise: Covert surveillance. So covert sometimes he is not seen for months.

Samwise Gamgee- Sat next to me in the conference room and after a day the traveller clocked him as being a famous hollywood actor. Was Tom Cruise's stunt driver in Days of Thunder. Now retired from a career on stage and screen he fights crime at weekends. To the best of my knowlege he does this without a costume but he does wear a utility belt.
Was also asked if he wanted to come back to my room for double decker.
Expertise: The Driver. No one can handle a high speed pursuit car like Sam.

The Feisty Scot- Worked in the crime fighting HQ for several summer months before being uncovered as a mole working for a foreign intelligence agency. Gone to live with boyfiend in scotland but had in the past refered to me as "the package". Curious.
I assume it was said refering to me as a proven crime fighter and not in a lustful way.
Expertise: Expert linguist. Very handy with a blade.