My point being

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 10:15 GMT

Hey there,
Have you found thee a lady good sir? There was a couple of dates with shreks wife which is a good start (so to speak) but I hear little else. Do you want me to suggest some lines? Then again I am single (prob with good reason(i have lines)) and there is a risk you would get a slap.

I dont know The Doves but I do like Razorlight. I will look out for tickets. I am well prepared with Athlete, i have heard most of their album but I have not asked anyone to the gig yet.
I have been thinking about asking Miranda (the lady I met on my first Bognor Regis work trip in october) as she was a lot of fun and i think she is at this end of the country for the next couple of weeks. But it would be a little out of the blue as we last met three months ago and on that night, after a few red bulls I did ask her back to my room for double decker (not a euphamism). I think a call from me may frighten her as I normally get really nervous talking to women on the phone. My heart pounds, I start to breathe heavily, forget what to say, then say nothing (but still with the heavy breathing) maybe mumble an incoherant word or two and then hang up.

My point being

double decker talk + heavy breathing = frightning

Maybe I will go to the gig alone.
Lorenzo

I am fine thanks for asking

Message from Antonio
Received 03:45 GMT

Hi,
How delightful to be hearing from you. I presume you heard about the earthquake and the resultant tidal waves. Luckily in Singapore we are sheltered by Malysia and Indonesia so nothing happened here except small tremors. But I appreaciate you asking how I am!!! Unfortunately the Thai Island of Phuket, where me and the ginger man have a holiday booked in 6 weeks time, was hit really hard which is not good. That being said having a potential holiday spoilt is nothing of a hardship compared to that which millions are now suffering from.

However, I did had a merry christmas and for christmas dinner the brussel sprouts were served in a sea of walnut sauce. Yum. But it is all not quite the same when you are basking in the sun in 30 degree temperatures.
Are you seeing Athelte this week or next? Who will you take? they are pretty good but you should also keep an eye out for Razorlight and The Doves tickets. I think they are both touring soon.

The world of corporate banking is calling me so i must go
Antonio

Venture into the wilderness

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 20:48 GMT

Hey Antonio,
You missed out an a very white christmas in this little valley where we were abound with snow. It was the good stuff, you know, light and fluffy but sufficiently thick so that you could form a snow ball that can cover some distance in the air without brusing your intended target. Unless you slipped a stone into the centre, really packed it together and put real velocity in the throw. Sometimes it can be fun doing the latter
...Anyway, a few of the family members and I headed out and a lenghty snow ball fight ensued. I did not expect it so I went out for the 45 minute fight with no gloves and I think I have frost bite. I have already lost two finger nails and a toe so far and another toe is purple. Do you think I should get it checked out? I find that drinking lots of port takes the pain away so that will do for now.

...Anyway the post christmas blues started once I woke up in this morning to find a woman in bed next to me. Then I started to question myself as
I didn't know who she was,
where i met her,
how we got home,
what we had done that night
or why she was dead!

I think I am going to have to take another trip onto the moors with a spade. I hate doing that in winter it leaves me with chapped lips and nails desparately in need of a manicure.

Lorenzo

This could be heaven but I dont know where I am

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 19:48 GMT

Hey Antonio,
The Snow Patrol gig was amazing. To begin with there was the Delays who were very good even though they had a guy on a keyboard who would just keep walking around the stage in a random manner drinking from a bottle of water. I was waiting for someone to turn to him and ask "what do you do here?". Then Snow Patrol turned up and were fantastic (I am limted by the number of adjectives in my lexis but I do try my best). I thought the Thrills were good but these guys had charm and were working with material that was twice as good. When they played an Olive Grove Facing the Sea I just stood there in awe of them, you could feel electricity in the air and when the curly haired skinny man sung it sounded so sincere and moving that I could have listened to them for hours. Especially as I was there with Jessica. I dont think I have ever had a bad time when we have gone out, it is always full of laughs and jokes.
I had a fantastic night.
Maybe it was the music , maybe it was the company,
maybe... maybe... oh I dont know.

Anyway... This will be the last email i send you before the 25th so Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Lorenzo

Sober/Drunk Differential

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 19:46 GMT

Well my old fuity,
I think the scoring system you suggested if very appropriate for the things that guys like us like. Coversation is important (as you dont want to bored with tales of shoe) and further to this it nice that attactiveness was not broken down into ass, breasts, legs etc as that would have been degrading. I think an issue for you to examine is the sober drunk differential (not in the mathematical sense relating to infinitesimal differences) as you cannot be drunk all the time. 11 is not bad at all as it is the approximate sum total of one criterium.
I think you may be onto something here. Does my sarcasm manifest in emails?
Although your conversation is limited from the sounds of it i think she is in lurve with you.

I heard a fantastic thing as i walked past a tatoo artists today. A 19 year old (i am guessing) girl, dressing the usual Burberry gear, on the phone to her boyfiend (i am assuming) saying "Its my body Adam, I will do what i want to it.... (pause) ..... dont you call me a hippy!". I cant stop smiling.

More happy news- I am of to see Snow Patrol tommorrow night. You know snow patrol? Run, Spitting Games etc. Their latest album, Final Straw, has proved to be their most head-spinning work to date - a swooping attack of distorted guitar, fizzing drum beats and woozy pop anthems laced with enough heartache to fill an ocean.
I am very excited and will provide you with an appropriate critique of the gig at a later date.

Lorenzo

Score as many points as you can

Message from Antonio
Received 02:00 GMT

Dear Sir

I shall split my ratings into drunk and sober because huge and startling differences occurred.
General Attractiveness - (Drunk) Quite pretty, a nice smile and fairly cute. Slightly small but not a problem. (7).
General Attractiveness - (Sober) Disappointing, looks a bit like Shrek's wife when she's a shrek. Very small, must have been wearing heels. No longer want to stand next to her for fear of looking gigantic. (5).

Communicado - (Drunk) Seem to get on quite well, have a few laughs, sometimes I can't tell what she says but that must be because the music is loud. (6).
Communicado - (Sober) Hmmm, her English isn't great. sends text messages saying things like "Antonio I hope to meet you well tomorrow". Conversation is limited to 1. Me being tall, 2. Me being handsome, 3. Me having a nice smile. Flattering but intellectually unfulfilling. (3).

Cuddlability - (Drunk) Cuddles well. Has that little midrift we like. (8)
Cuddlability - (Sober) Didn't cuddle when sober but fair's fair she looked cuddly (8)

SOH - (Drunk) my judging of a sense of humour is determined on whether they laugh at my jokes or not which, to be honest, may not be entirely fair. No-one in Singapore so far has laughed at my new chat up line, "Hi my name is Antonio, who the hell are you" so the fact that she didn't wasn't surprising. Her joke "Antonio are you gay? No? Can I make sure?" tickled me though (6).
SOH - (Sober) Realise I will probably never have a serious relationship with anyone who can't understand english properly. My comedic talents are wasted and I refuse to revert to slapstick. (1)

Eroticness (drunk)- Pretty cute. Would gladly pork. (7)
Eroticness (Sober)- Looks like a small shrek (disappointing admission). (6)
Overall, drunk - an alarming 34/50. Sober - a sobering 23/50. And there we have confirmation that you are right to stick to the Red Bull my friend.

Anyway I must go and tend to my beauty.

House of bus tickets

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 21:02 GMT

Season Greetings

I know not about your Indonesian bird. Rate her for me (out of 10) with a brief explanation.
Your (male) friend appears to a a little insecure about his lady but i need to ask
a) given the chance would you pork?
b) if you had come on to her would she pork?
c) imagine you were living in the jungle in a house made of bus tickets with her and she left for the day to go to work. You were left alone so you meet your friend nabooi the lion who takes you out into the wildernes to hunt gazelle. nabooi catches and kills the gazelle, you feast on its flesh and you find it tasty but eat so much you fall asleep under the nearest tree. You wake to the hissing sound of mbanwi the snake who warns you that you should not fall asleep again as the tribal leader of the monkeys was looking for a human face and he had taking a liking to yours. he goes on to warn you that if you fall asleep again that is when the monkey leader will come for you for his desire is great and only when he takes the face of a human will he become king.
the next day you know you will be bored and will again go to hunt gazelle with nabooi. do you then pork the bird in an attempt to keep her in you house (made of bus tickets) ?
If the answer to a b and c is yes then the man is right not to trust you.

Lorenzo

If god wanted us to drink...

Message from Antonio
Recieved 01:53 GMT

Poor Fish,

If god had wanted us to drink alcohol he would not have invented hangovers. I know which club you are talking about and it would have been a good night but for the crazy girl.
went out on Wednesday for my Birthday and had a cool time. I went out with a married couple and a girl (who is a) friend. Good fun got back about 3.30pm with the said girl, who lives near us and whose boyfriend was out of the country on business. Unfortunately she had told him she'd ring him when she got in but forgot to do so and hence boyfriend thought I was porking her and I had missed calls in the morning as did other people who were out. They have been arguing about this since he's been back in Singapore and I think its pathetic and I'm pretty annoyed that (A) he doesn't trust me not to pork his bird and (B) he doesn't trust her not to pork me. Can't understand why someone would be going out with someone they thought was capable of porking behind their back.

Did I tell you about the Indonesian bird I went out with a couple of times a few weeks ago?
What are your plans for New Year? Hopefully, this time I'll have a good one. Going to a house party which should be cool. I expect you may e-mail me again before xmas but if not have a good one.
And on that festive note I shall bid ye farewell.

Farewell
Antonio

A Clubbers Guide

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 13:02 GMT

So why the title "a clubbers guide" I hear you cry. Lorenzo very rarely goes to a club. He does not really enjoy them that much. Well there is good reason for that...
Bassanio and his girlfriend were going into the city to a huge club which i had never been to so after a couple of drinks with the blonde man at the piano bar i met up with them. I was looking forward to the night. It all turned on its head when a guy told me i looked pretty and gave me his phone number.

Lorenzo

You are really spoiling us

Message from Antonio
received 06:01 GMT

The Fish,
It brings a tear to my eye to think that you would take time out of your day to correspond avec petit moi.
Not done too much recently, although I had a hardcore night out til 7am where I was singing Karaoke for an hour and a half non-stop but I have now. I was doing the Bee-Gees in true high pitch voice stylee to and people we're stopping in the streets to admire my foolhardiness.

Had a more respectable night out on Saturday. Went to the British Chamber of Commerce Ball which was very posh. Black tie and everything but not really my scene. All the women looked like they had just sucked on a lemon and the men on reflection spent too much time talking about work stuff which bored me a bit. I found myself waiting, watching, looking in anticipation for someone to call the butler through some majestic double doors with a tray of chocolates.
But he did not come.

Goodbye my friend, I have work to do.
Mr Ambassador

Walking in the shadow of death

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 15:05 GMT

Hello my precious,

I hope my correspondance finds you in good health and happiness.
Went out this friday and again there was a lot of fun and i met a nice guy who works in our office. He is 40+ but back in the day he was uk cross country champion and in the 80's was the pace setter in the london marathon running 13 miles in little over 1 hr. i felt in awe of his talent and as the fireman left us a few weeks ago so was looking for a new hero. i may have found one. It is amazing how soon i can move on like that. That is wrong.

I was supposed to spend the rest of the weekend at home, emailing you, general relaxation. Then on saturday morning got called out of bed and had to attend an aunts funeral, not real aunt but... you know. I felt sad although it had been some time since we had met. On walking through the cemetary i began to read the grave stones and reflect. So many people die young and you cant help but ask what is it all about.
I came to the conclusion that you have to do what makes you happy. My struggle is doing this within the contraints of the law. That is also wrong.

Fish in a pool of reflection