Saturday, April 02, 2005

All good things...

I'm off to explore mountains.  Find out more at 
Posted by Hello

Friday, April 01, 2005

Faded Seaside Glamour

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 12:01 GMT

I got an early morning wake up call from one of the chiefs at CFHQ.
There is some business they want me to take care of so I am being sent away.
It sounds like a difficult mission and I am starting to wish that I had listening in those classes in Bognor Regis.
Unfortunately this is my last message to you.
If anyone asks- tell them you know nothing.
Remember, they are watching. Always watching.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Comfort In Sound

Message from Lorenzo,
Sent 13:41 GMT

Hi Antonio,
It has been an interesting easter weekend so far. Although the week did start with a bit of a crisis. A few things were going my way. I had a couple of tickets to Feeder. A couple of albums to learn words from. A nice t-shirt to wear (a red one with a pocket) and the amazing Cherry Falls were supporting.
There was one thing going against me. Jessica could not make it. Gutted.
But being ever positive I decided to take the Gratiano (my nephew) to his first ever gig (long overdue as he is pushing 17). On the way there I could see his hate for me festering as he is hip hop kid and Feeder is not his thing. But by the end of the night he was glad he came. The gig started with some of the softer stuff (Tumble and Fall etc) which was great, then after 30 mins of that they upped it a gear and played (in quick succession) Just the Way I'm Feeling, Forget About Tomorrow, Come Back Around and finished with some old school stuff including Buck Rogers. The place was bouncing and looking back at the gigs I have been to - Snow patrol, The Thrills, Micheal Jackson and even Craig David (twice). They had nothing on these guys.

And guess who I saw in the crowd? A few people ahead of us I had spotted the bearer of the one ring. The master of the precious. Frodo Baggins. I think his real name is Elijah Wood. He was taller than I thought he would be but I am certain it was him as I checked out his feet and they were large and leathery.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Danger! High Voltage

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 20:49 GMT

Hey Antonio,
I have finally come to a point where I am comfortable talking about the phone call I received from the Feisty Scot. He rang to check up on how I was doing as we had not spoken for a while. The conversation started in a pleasant enough manner but with all the formalities done he moved on to talking about how I felt about gay men as, if I have not mentioned before, he is gay.
"I don't give it much thought Scotty, don't have a problem with it, its never been a issue with me" was my response. He also wanted to know if I have every fancied a guy and, as he was sounding a little down, I said if I was going to fancy a man it would be him "especially after watching you dance" I added.
He was 250 miles away so I figured it could do no harm and they guy needed to be picked up and damn it if that needed to be said then I am happy to say it.
But that encouraged him.
He took the conversation down a road I had never traveled down but Scotty knew the route. Eventually he ended up with "well... if you were to come on to me what would you do"
"Stop it Scotty! I am not comfortable with this"
"Go on, it cannot do no harm, you need to be sure you are not tempted"
"I am sure... get off the phone"
"Are you not a little turned on?"
"No god damn it, you are scaring the hell out of me"
"I am a little turned on... in fact a couple of times in the conversation I was ha.............
Yeah I cut him off. The sick puppy.
You hear some people say "not every gay man wants to sleep with you".
Every gay man I know wants to sleep with me.
Just so happens that I only know one gay man.

Centre of unwanted attention

Next week on Eternal Rambling: The man who tried to lure me back to his hotel room with a freeview box and a playstation.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

You Cant Touch This

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 09:01 GMT

Hey Antonio,
I think I need to explain the system of touching privileges that people around me have as often women (and men) go too far and express themselves and their affection through unwanted touching.

Level 1: If you are a total stranger then there is no touching. That I am speaking to you does not mean you can touch my arm and certainly not my hand. That is something the pointy chinned Marilyn Monroe lookalikey would do well to learn. This also applies to people I do not like.
Rule: If you dont know my name dont touch.

Level 2: If you know who I am but we have never shared more than three sentences then there is no touching. This covers most people I work with or friend of friends. Women in these circumstances appear to enjoy stroking my arm perhaps mistaking me for a friendly creature in Chester Zoo.
Rule: If you know my name but I dont know yours then no touching.

Level 3: If we get on well and from time to time have gone out either together or in a group then there is limited touching permitted but no more than brief contact with the higher or lower arm area and only in limited circumstances such as laugh out loud moments. Exceptions will (very rarely) be made for very sad times where resting a hand on the shoulder is appropriate. But never my hand. Not at level 3.
Under no circumstances will there by continental style pretend kissing on the cheek when greeting or saying bye bye.
Rule: If we get on well then your can touch within the prescribed parameters.

Level 4: Friends have the privileges contained in level three but are free to chose the moments in which it should happen. In addition, both men and women, are entitled to a manly embrace/hug but my body language will let you know when it is ok. Women can hold my hand but only where it is necessary such as dragging me to the dance floor or to stop me getting lost in a busy bar/club/gig. Men may never hold my hand.
Rule: If you are my friend you will know what is right and wrong.

I hope than explains a few things for you.

PS the Feisty Scot rang me a couple of nights ago and during the conversation threw away all privileges and now is at Level 1.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

London Calling

Message from Lorenzo
Sent 20:15 GMT

Hey Antonio,
Sorry for the delayed message but after the weekend I have been wasted for a couple of days. Let me explain why.
Day one (friday): Drive down to London to meet The Prince of Morocco, Miranda and Shaft the southern crime fighter. Shaft was an interesting warm character who wore a long leather jacket, did some jive talking and used phrases such as "I might take you down but I will never let you down" with alarming regularity.
Checked into a nice hotel where we all met up and shared a few drinks and then it was off to the Brixton Academy. The gig was amazing and the visuals spectacular. Better than athlete and more opportunity to really shake my stuff and I was on top form that night. Better still- they did some old school jelly.

Day two (saturday): In the morning met the Prince of Morocco at his house on the docks which is very nice with canals everywhere (not in the house, that would be weird). Also met the Prince's bi sexual french room mate and his very straight forward german room mate who suggested and convinced me to stay another night and go to the legendary Ronnie Scott's. Lemon Jelly one night followed by jazz the next made me feel like a polyphonic prostitute.
In the place I had a great time as The Prince and I were chatted up by a pointy chinned Marilyn Monroe look-a-like from Bolton. She touched my arm followed by my hand and I needed to explain that she did not have those touching privileges especially as her date was stood a foot away and I felt like I was making him feel a foot tall. There is a code amongst us guys so I backed off. But then, stood at the bar, a 40 yr old Russian woman turned to me and said "what we must remember is that we all pay the same" in a very philosophical way.
"Oooookaaaaay" I said and then hauled ass back to the relative safety of my group to enjoy very good jazz.
Three of us headed home and bi sexual frenchwoman went to pull a man. She told me she only pulled men as it was easier. True to her word she arrived back home around and hour after us. The Prince was sure he heard funny noises (possibly a slap) before the loud music began to play. With that thought I fell asleep in a distressed state on my airbed.

Day three (sunday): Afternoon wake up followed by coffee with the tired looking frenchwoman, goodbyes to the Prince of Morocco and then a long drive to Bognor Regis for more crime fighting lessons. I took a two and a half hour detour to Chili's to eat a Chocolate Molten Cake which was so big they had to wheel it in on a trolley and was closer in size to Mt Etna than a dessert. You know you ordered the right thing when a kid says "I want one of those" when they sit it down on your table. It was a very long drive to the training followed by a very long drive back to lancashire arriving back at 1AM and starting work at 8AM that morning. I hope that is a good enough reason for not mailing sooner.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


Message from Lorenzo
Sent 10:08 GMT

Hey Antonio,
Athlete were fantastic, the songs were really moving and, although not as much jumping around like a crazy, I still had a great time. Best bit. Nerissa sitting on my shoulders during Vehicles and Animals in order to get a decent view when it looked like Diana Ross came and stood infront of us. It was a cheap night out as well. Left the house with £40, bought some drinks, paid £10 to get Nerissa and I into a bar and got home with £34 in my pocket. How cheap am I?

Anyway, I got a text from Jessica while I was out and we tried to meet up as she was partying in the big city as well. After traveling around and missing each other from one bar to the next we finally found each other (close to a previous interesting night out) at around 01:30 and even though I had been to a great gig, had great company all night, been to some cracking bars (including the piano bar) my memory of the night is when Jessica saw that I had turned up to see her and the smile on her face. I have felt warm and contented since that moment.